Ephemeral Isle
Archives
Tuesday
1 February 2005
Combat Blindness: Dissolve the UN
The UN has declared that genocide is not occurring in Darfur. In light of this, we humbly recommend a change in the UN emblem.
Wednesday
2 February 2005
The "I Can't Decide Who's Stupider" Department
Yesterday an Islamic terrorist web site posted a photograph of what it claims is an American soldier in Iraq whom they've captured and threaten to behead in 72 hours if their demands are not met. Picking up on the story, Reuters issued the following dispatch
A little-known Iraqi insurgent group said on Tuesday it was holding a U.S. soldier and threatened to kill him within 72 hours if Iraqi prisoners were not released, according to an Internet statement.
"Our mujahideen ... have managed to capture the American soldier John Adam after killing a number of his colleagues," said the Mujahideen Squadrons in the undated statement.
It carried a picture appearing to show a U.S. soldier sitting in front of a black banner with a rifle pointed at his head. The authenticity of the claim, which did not say where the man was seized, could not be verified.
"We will cut his throat in 72 hours if our male and female prisoners in the occupation jails are not released," it said.
A group using the same name, Mujahideen Squadrons, last month claimed responsibility for the kidnapping of a Brazilian engineer in Iraq.
Insurgents in Iraq, including al Qaeda's wing in Iraq, have been waging attacks on U.S.-led forces since they invaded the country in 2003.
Not to be left out of a hot story, AP, The Guardian, and CNN also reported on the kidnapping, but in their haste to get back to bad news as usual after the setback (for them) of the successful Iraqi elections, they failed to take a close look at the photo of the soldier, which we reproduce here.
Notice anything odd? Yes, it is indeed an Action Man figure sitting in front of a black hanky with a toy gun pointed at his head!
I don't know which is more pathetic: Terrorists who are reduced to threatening plastic dollies or "news" services that were so keen to get the story out that they never even bothered to take a second glance at the picture.
This Just In...
In other news, a rival Islamic terrorist group claims to have kidnapped television personality Sooty.
Harry Corbett was unavailable for comment.
3 February 2005
Great Moments in Orbit
"AAAHHH!! We're terrible spacemen!"
Friday
4 February 2005
Radio Days
Original Radio Dramas and Comedies
The idea of a state of the art computer being used to listen to an entertainment conceived in the days of crystal sets seems to fit in rather well with the spirit of Future Past, so I'd like to take this moment to announce a new service that this site will be offering later this year.
Our resident production company Elemental Works is developing the first in a series of original dramas and comedies which will be presented on davidszondy.com via streaming audio. Thrill to the excitement, chill to the horror, and laugh at the fart jokes.
Watch this space for further news and updates.
Joys of Radio
Every time I see an old-fashioned radio (the huge sort from before the war that were easy to confuse for a bar) I often wonder how I'm going to explain them to my daughter.
"Daddy, what's that?"
It's a radio, Honey."
"What's it do?"
"It receives audio broadcasts. In this case, amplitude modulated ones."
"What else does it do?"
"Nothing."
"That's it? Not even a built-in clock?"
"'Fraid so.
"That's silly."
Computers have spoiled us. We're so used to multi-function devices that we expect every device we have to sport at least ten different ancillary functions. Got a camera? Then you should be able to store files on its drive. A phone? It's also a camera. A personal stereo? Contains your diary.
We even have buggers running about trying to cell us 'fridges that hook up to the internet so that they can order more milk when you run low. Frankly, I'd rather had a cabinet that sensed when I ran out of clean dishes and phoned for a Chinese takeaway.
I've been thinking about this because I've been chained to the laptop for many an hour lately and I have discovered that it is not only a joy to have a machine that can do for me what would have required a small office staff ten years ago, but it also acts as a multi-media centre so I don't have to go out of my mind with boredom while doing a lot of routine tasks. And it isn't like having the television on in the background. I have total control over what I see and hear. I can pull down BBC radio broadcast both foreign and domestic, play music files, watch DVDs, and even listen to audio books if I choose.
My particular favourite of late is the radio. And by that I don't mean the news and music juke box that it is in so many locations. I mean radio dramas and comedies. It's an art form that has almost died out in North America, except for some horrendously self-conscious public broadcasting attempts that have all the entertainment value of a meal of pressed sawdust, but in Britain it still thrives. In fact, the BBC has an entire channel dedicated to broadcasting from their archives of the stuff.
Today, for example, I've been listening to the latest chapter of The Destruction Factor (1978) by Ken Follett. It's a neat little bit of science fiction of the quiet catastrophe variety which starts out with an odd house plant and ends with out heroes fighting furiously as the world facing imminent destruction -- and all carried out in an underplayed manner that only serves to heighten the tension.
It not only divert with its Wyndhamesque plot, but it also shows how far we've come since '78 with one plot point being that the British government faces the danger of the United Nations stepping in and taking action against the menace if Whitehall can't contain it. One forgets that back in the 1970s one could still entertain the notion of the UN as a powerful and competent body that could go a long way toward putting the world to rights if only the Cold War wasn't tying its metaphorical hands. But now that we've lived through almost fifteen years since the unlamented USSR went south we've seen just how absurd is the idea of the UN as a group with power and resolve rather than a professional association for petty tyrants.
I guess that's one of the reasons why I like radio. It's one of the most ephemeral media there is. In fact, for live radio the "one of" bit doesn't even apply. Because of this, radio programmes have the ability to catch so much of their times without even trying to. Listen to an old transcription of "X-Minus One," or "The Saint," or "Hancock's Half Hour," and you have a neat little picture of the attitudes and prejudices of the times. Just yesterday, for example, I was listening to Frank Muir's comedy programme on class from 1973. What struck me was not only how Muir's compilation told us a lot about class in the '70s, but the modern (mandatory BBC estuary English-speaking) presenter's introduction to the show with smug comment about keeping her flat 'A's told a lot about modern prejudices. It was one of those fly in amber moments that even the most acute observer would probably fail to catch.
Not to mention that fart jokes come off much funnier on the wireless.
Monday
7 February 2005
Pulp Adverts No. 1
Now this has got to take the prize has the ultimate in pulp magazine advertisements. Hidden in the pages of the March 1932 issue of Popular Mechanics amid the more sober copy for things like making money by sharpening mower blades, learning radio repair at home, raising chickens for profit, and "my dancing has improved with my new truss" we find this marvellous gem from the Institute of Applied Science. Yes, send away and we can make YOU into a dapper man of adventure like Operator 38. Make big money, solve romantic murders while in impeccable evening dress, strike fear into the Underworld with your knowledge of fingerprinting gleaned from your correspondence coursework. Be Sherlock Holmes, Bulldog Drummond, and the Shadow all at the same time.
"Literature will Not be sent to boys under 17 years of age," but you can bet your bottom dollar most of the applicants were 17 years and one day-- or just said so.
Tuesday
8 February 2005
Pulp Adverts No. 2
But Chandu Made It Look So Easy!
Continuing our series of 1930's pulp adverts, we have this one, which is so unutterably bizarre that I think I'll just let the copy speak for itself. How many adolescent, nerdy little would-be Svengalis ended up slapped, yelled at, or just humiliated by peals of hysterical laughter from their prospective Trilbys can only be guessed.
Wednesday
9 February 2005
Pulp Adverts No. 3
Mr. Brooks's father must must have lead a very strange life, which, frankly, I do not wish to know the details of.
Thursday
10 February 2005
Pulp Adverts No. 4
I'm not entirely certain how this business scheme is supposed to work. Is the prospective agent supposed to be selling these pants pressers or is he supposed to be in the street chasing complete strangers and offering to put a sharp crease in their trousers for a modest fee? I would think that the latter might result in sharp words being uttered.
Friday
11 February 2005
Pulp Adverts No. 5
At least we now know how Norman Bates got started. Having seen this ash-tray bearing bunny I can attest that if I found myself sitting in a room with one the only thing you could sell me on is the idea of diving out the nearest window.
Monday
14 February 2005
Happy St. Valentine's Day!
It's St. Valentine's Day, so it's time once again for that ever-popular visit from Pringles the St. Valentine's Day Hedgehog.
Now, let's all go have some Valentine punch!
And of course...
From December 2000: The famous story of Sooty: an inspiration to us all.
Guinea pig harem says 'hello, Sooty'
A guinea pig called Sooty had a night to remember after escaping from his pen and tunnelling into a cage of 24 females.
He romanced each of them in turn and was yesterday the proud father of 43 offspring.
Staff at Little Friend's Farm in Pontypridd, South Wales, have now secured Sooty's pen - and begun looking for homes for the guinea pigs.
His owner, Carol Feehan, 42, said: "I'm sure a lot of men will be looking at Sooty with envy.
"We knew that he had gone missing after wriggling through the bars of his cage.
"We looked for him everywhere but never thought of checking the pen where we keep 24 females. We did a head count and found 25 guinea pigs - Sooty was fast asleep in the corner.
"He was absolutely shattered. We put him back in his cage and he slept for two days."
Tuesday
15 February 2005
Pulp Adverts No. 6
Shopping for the man who has everything? Trying to find that one present that will stand out from the crowd? The gift for that certain someone? Then look no further, because nothing says it like a mail order artificial leg! Perfect for birthdays, Bar Mitzvahs, graduations, and just because. Act now while supplies last!
Wednesday
16 February 2005
Pulp Adverts No. 7
"WHY NOT spend Spring, Summer and Fall gathering butterflies, insects?"
Why not? Probably because there's a good deal of beer to be drunk in the shade of a cosy pub down by the canal instead; that's why not. Besides, the idea of spending day in day out dancing about the meadows in pursuit of the small and wing'd with a butterfly net in one hand and a kill jar in the other is the sort of thing that invites public comment and gets one pointed at in the street.
I have enough problem with that sort thing as it is, thank you.
Thursday
17 February 2005
Pulp Adverts No. 8
Dear God in Heaven, what could be worse than writing off for a home correspondence course in making dental appliances?
Oh, right...
Friday
18 February 2005
Pulp Adverts No. 8
So grease-free... so Euclidian... so electrically baked... and the great thing is that if they don't sell you can always market them as surgical appliances.
Monday
21 February 2005
Happy President's Day
In the USA it's President's Day today, so if you have an American President in your neighbourhood or office, take him to lunch.
It's the little things that count, you know.
Tolerance is a One Way Street
"These are crimes, criminal events, and that is for the police to deal with."
So saith the head of the League Against Cruel Sports, Douglas Batchelor. This is already fairly brusk, but it hasn't a patch on an earlier quote that the BBC story had from the anti-hunting lot demanding that the public must be vigilant against these "criminals," but that one seems to have mysteriously vanished inside a couple of hours.
I might be willing to sit down and consider the arguments of the anti-hunting types, poor though they are, if it weren't for one thing: their arrogant self-righteousness as summed up in the above quotes. These are the same people who spent decades sabotaging hunts, trespassing on private land, nobbling horses, castrating fox hounds, vandalising homes, and generally law breaking in the name of "dissent," but now that they have a dubious act of Parliament behind them any respect for those with opposing views has gone by the board and they make imperious commands to the police and public to Make Their Will Law like so many ditch diggers turned commissars.
Scratch a revolutionary and you'll find a dictator, I suppose.
In Scotland, it is illegal to be drunk in possession of a cow.
Not that it matters much, as Britons are not a nation of sheep and if you push them too far, they push back. On the first day of the ban, nearly 100 foxes were killed by hunts that said they were operating within the law and defied anyone to prove otherwise.
Well, all I can say is that the only thing worse than an unjust law is an unjust law that lends itself to contempt. Don't be surprised to see the ban quickly become one of those laws that stay on the books, but which no one enforces.
Robo-Soldier Revealed
In an Ephemeral Isle exclusive we are proud to present the first photos of the Pentagon's new robot soldier to be deployed in Iraq. ( I guess the one in this article is just a prototype.)
Tuesday
22 February 2005
Pulp Adverts No. 10
Wear it to work? Yeah, I can see that.
"Hey, Bob, what's with the straps on your nose?"
"I'm trying Do It Yourself rhinoplasty by reshaping my proboscis with bits of elastic."
"Bob, I think it's time we looked for a new director of forward planning."
Wednesday
23 February 2005
Horse Latitude
Of course, horseback paintball does require certain adjustments.
Thursday
24 February 2005
Normal Service Will Be Resumed
Entire family is down with stomach flu. Back tomorrow.
Friday
25 February 2005
"No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die!"
For those of you who have been clamouring for more Ephemeral Isle family gossip, I'm posting this charming photo of my daughter, her kitty, and her latest preschool project.
We're so proud of her.
Monday
28 February 2005
Pulp Adverts No. 11
Or teaching sheep the backhand; whichever pays more.
Ephemeral Isle