Review of the Emriates A380

The lucky bastard. The lucky, lucky bastard.

Sky Showers

Emirates airline announces that it will be providing showers for first-class passengers on its A380 Airbus service.

In other news, passengers in steerage coach class start smuggling torches and pitchforks on board.

Cozy Suite

The Cozy Suite airline coach-class seating arrangement: A thin hope for the future or a cruel taunt?

Mechanical Baggage Smasher

And is now standard equipment with airports everywhere.

Coffee Prices Rise

Where do you get charged £361,514.97 for four cups of coffee?

If you guessed Terminal 5 at Heathrow, you win!

Terminal Condition

CCTV cameras on every street corner and (probably) half the loos in Britain not oppressive enough for you? Then nip over to Terminal 5 at Heathrow, where you can experience having your fingerprints compulsorily taken in the name of "security". For added enjoyment, ask the courteous staff how any of this pointless invasion of privacy is going to keep a Jihadist from climbing the fence and watch how fast you're subjected to a cavity search.

Just goes to show what happens when you approach a problem by having the cart jammed hard in front of the horse, strip off the wheels, and then shoot the horse.

A Modest Proposal

Lamperd of Canada has a modest idea for improving airline safety in these troubled time: Force all passengers to wear bracelets that allow the stewardesses to taser them by remote control.

I suspect that the owners of Lamperd have a great deal of stock in railway companies.

Sleeper

Lufthana's new Airbus 380 sleeper plane service. The good news is that you can now lie down to sleep on long-haul flights. The bad news is that you've swapped "cattle car" for "cord wood."

The Nightmare

You're aboard an All Nippon Airways Boeing 787 Dreamliner flying at 50,000 feet. You're over the Pacific ocean a thousand miles from anywhere. Nature calls and you casually, but quickly walk to the convenience only to be confronted by this where the toilet should be.

Sweet Mother of God! I'll wake up any moment. I've got to wake up. I've GOT TO!

Cabin in the Sky

If you're flying from London to Delhi, are not claustrophobic and have £4,422 rattling around loose in your pocket, you can forego even the first-class cabin in favour of your very own 26-square foot stateroom complete with seven-foot bed and complimentary Dom Perignon.

Meanwhile, yours truly will keep making do with the equivalent of a flying third-class railway carriage with complimentary nothing and a fervent prayer that the toilet is still operational.

Dead Right

British Airways strapped a corpse into the seat next to a (live) passenger in first class on a flight from Delhi to London.

Given some of the twits I've had to endure on long-haul flights, this seems like a definite improvement.

Plane Forced to Land by a Fart

What the blazes was that woman eating?

Dennis Miller & the Imams