Castro Speaks

The Maximum Leader comments on the election of Barack "He whose middle name may not be uttered" Obama:

BRRRRRAAAAAAAIIIIINNNNNNNSSSSS!!!!

Castro Update

Cuba:

Happy Birthday, Maximum Leader.

Castro:

BRRAAAAIIIIINNNNSSSSS!

Castro Live–Sort of

Castro gives his first television appearance since dying ceding power.

The soundtrack is silent because most of his dialogue consists of "BRRRAAAAIIIINNNNNSSSS!!!!!"

Health Care Cuba

Raul Castro: "Free sex change operations"

Fidel Castro; 'BRAAAAIIIIIINNNNSSSS!!!"

Raul Castro "Selected"

Raul Castro has won the power struggle been unanimously "selected" leader of Cuba.

Now his brother can "die" happy.

Select Reporting

BBC headline:

Cuba to select Castro's successor

That's "select" as in Stalin was "selected" after slaughtering all his rivals.

Tyrant "Retires"

"Castro" has announced his retirement.

Given that he has done so in a letter, it looks as if we're back to square one. Is that retired as in ill health, or retired as in on ice until it's convenient to announce his "death"?

Atomic Che

(T)he people (of Cuba) you see today tell you that even if they should disappear from the face if the earth because an atomic war is unleashed in their names... they will feel completely happy and fulfilled.

Che Guevara

The BBC is indulging in one of its periodic bouts of Socialist worship; this time extolling the "legacy" of Ernesto "Che" Guevara. Not surprisingly, there are gallons of ink spilled in rapture of his "iconic" image, his "inspiration" and battles against "injustice."

Unfortunately, they do overlook the tiny matter of his knowingly working in the cause of a totalitarian system, his love of mass executions, his introduction of the gulag to Cuba, his rank cowardice in battle, and his wild fanaticism that made him lust after the idea of universal Stalinist dictatorship ushered in on the backs of a hundred million radioactive corpses.

But that's just awkward nit-picking against the reputation of a dead Communist murderer who's cornered the tee-shirt market.

I Don't Want To Go On The Cart

According to the news sources, this video proves that Fidel Castro hasn't popped his clogs yet.

My Spanish isn't up to it and I haven't seen a translation of the old gasbag's interview, so I've no way to judge whether it's authentic or not, but since no one with better linguistic skills than I have has denounced it, I can only assume that the Earth is still heavier by the weight of one tyrant.

Still, I can't help feeling that the tone of the video was rather similar to this:

A Matter of Tenses

Reuters headline:

Cuban officials say Castro not dying

For once, I have no doubt they're speaking the truth.

Scooby Doo, Call Your Service

Cuban Foreign Minister Felipe Perez Roque says that Fidel Castro is in "permanent" contact with leaders of the Communist party and the government.

Translation: Run for your lives, the Havana Capitol Building is haunted.

Update: Maximum Leader's condition may be "stable", but the rumours about his death are alive and kicking.

Maybe When They Finally Bury Him...

BBC headline:

Fidel absent as Cuba celebrates

Would it were so!

Appetite Killer

From the AP:

Convalescing Fidel Castro said in an essay Tuesday that he has been so engrossed with Cuba's performance at the Pan American Games in Brazil that he forgets to eat and take his medicine.

That and "convalescing" in a meat locker will do that.

Death, Lies & Videotape

Fidel Castro appeared in a taped interview on Cuban television, where he discussed world events-- from 1973.

The interview was taped on Monday. Which Monday is left to viewer's interpretation

The Train That Never Arrives

From the BBC:

Castro almost 'fully recovered'

Is that like "mostly dead?"

Castro: Still "Stable"

Headline from the AP:

Castro says he's better, weight stable

The weight of the turkey in my deep freeze is "stable" for similar reasons.

Astute Observations from Beyond

"Fidel Castro," whose "best health care in the world" involves the common folk scrounging for Pepto-Bismol and aspirin on the black market while the party elite and foreign tourists enjoy special clinics, has criticised the British, saying that the price of the new Astute-class submarines would train 75,000 doctors.

Quite right. And if we didn't have the submarines we could employ all those doctors to patch up all the people maimed by the likes of Castro as they run rough-shod over the world.

Don't you have some mouldering to get on with, old boy?

Castro, Still Stable

From the BBC:

Castro fails to appear on May Day

So did Franco.

Castro: Still Recovering

Castro just keeps getting better and better. According to fellow despot Hugo Chavez, Castro is "almost totally recovered."

At this rate, he'll soon be as "recovered" as Yasser Arafat.

Postings From Beyond

From the AP:

Castro publishes article criticizing U.S. on environment

It must have been hell dictating that by ouija board.

Ballot Box or Pine?

Fidel Castro's health is improving so much that he will soon be well enough to be buried stand for "re-election".

The Ouija Board Was Unavaliable

Hugo Chavez spoke on the phone with "Fidel Castro" the other day.

The long distance charges from Hell must have been staggering.

Signature News

Nascent Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez has proof positive that Fidel Castro is in incredibly good shape for a dead sick man.

His proof? Castro's autograph.

Well, I'm convinced.

Love Letters to Dead Tyrants

The BBC has another hard-hitting article on Cuba, this time culling the reaction of British residents to Fidel Castro's death health. The tone was set early from the moment they referred to the Maximum Leader as "the world's longest-serving political leader" rather than "one of the last of the Communist dictators."

Unable to find any actual Cubans who were willing to risk the safety of their relatives back home, the Beeb had to fall back on a dance video producer, the spokesman for a Communist front organisation that the BBC calls "non-party political" despite having card-carrying members of the British Communist Party on its executive board, and Labour MP Ian Gibson, who last graced these pages when he blamed the incidence of diabetes in his constituency on inbreeding.

I'd love to sit in on the editor's meetings at the BBC that okays this sort of thing for publication. It would afford a glimpse into a new and terrible world.

AP Translator Service

AP headline:

Castro Reportedly in Grave Condition

Translation:

Castro Reportedly in Grave Condition

Still Chilling

In a turn of events that surprises no one, Fidel Castro was unable to attend a military parade in his honour because of his being dead prolonged illness.