Get a Dust Bin, See The World

On the bright side, at least they've got wheelie bins.

The local council is all heart.

Referendum in Germany Bans Broccoli & Nap Time

Not confining itself to cow farts, Germany demonstrates that it has gone completely off the deep end by putting a bill before Parliament that would lower the voting age to birth.

There is a certain logic to this. If you're going to treat the voters like infants, then why not...

Dr. Zaius, Call Your Service

Lacking a decent dictionary or even common sense, the Spanish parliament made a mockery of the concept of legal rights by granting them to apes.

What could possibly go wrong?

Crab Stressing

It's fun, it's easy, so, of course, it has the local council up in arms.

Besides, cow tipping is so last millennium.

Oxygen Bars

I'm not surprised at the existence of bars that sell oxygen. I am, however, disappointed that the twits gullible enough to part with their dosh for a whiff of O₂ never come knocking on my door.

Time is Really Money

This Patek Philippe wrist watch once owned by race car driver Carlo Felice Trossi was recently sold at auction for $2,157,760. For that price, you could hire someone to follow you around and tell the time for you.

On the other hand, I have a secondhand Timex that I'm letting go for a fiver.

Still runs.

Sort of.

Funky Star Trek Judges

The Lord Chief Justice has unveiled the new "Star Trek" style robes that will be inflicted upon judges in civil cases in Britain.

Not surprisingly, the new kit, which replaces the traditional robes and wig, was created by a woman who also designs "funky British clothes for aspiring funky British girls''.

It's a great comfort to know that as Britain is being shoved into the abyss that at least our judges are suitably "funky".

Nesting Cuckoos

Don't be so gloomy. After all it's not that awful. Like the fella says, in Italy for 30 years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love - they had 500 years of democracy and peace, and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock.

Harry Lime

I think it wrong to sit on a man. Soon, I shall think it wrong to sit on a horse. Eventually (I suppose) I shall think it wrong to sit on a chair.

G K Chesterton

Ah, Switzerland! Where plants have "dignity", there are dog licences–for the owners, where the rights and proper care of every pet from goldfish to rhinoceros is enshrined in laws written by politicians who are never anything save altruistic, and soon to be an alpine wasteland because the regulations for raising, keeping or in any way interacting with any flora or fauna makes it simpler to just exterminate the whole bloody lot of them and be done with it.

Cultural Suicide Part XIII

The Swiss government has a bit in its new constitution about the "dignity of plants" that makes PETA look like a barbeque rib restaurant chain.

Stand by for picking flowers to be declared a crime against... I honestly have no idea.

Equal Nonsense

In a display of fanatical blindness, the government plans to force the monarchy into the Procrustean bed of political correctness by abolishing the principle of primogeniture.

Britain's coffin is just about finished.

Another Nail

The traditional woolen cricket jumper has been replaced by a synthetic fibre blouse.

That incessant din you hear is the death knell of Britain still in progress.

King Franz I

In an effort to fix that which is not broken, Mr. Gordon Brown is also invoking the law of unintended consequences by trying to repeal the 1701 Act of Settlement, which prohibits Roman Catholics from having any claim to the throne.

With his pointless zeal for mindlessly attacking "discrimination" without considering the reasons and ramifications for such discrimination, Mr. Brown has overlooked the fact that in doing so he would be deposing Her Majesty in favour of an obscure Bavarian duke.

Say what like against Mr. Brown, at least he's managed the hitherto impossible task of making Tony Blair look like the image of sober statesmanship.

Bears & the New Puritans

The Washington Post has an article that essentially equates circus animals with child abuse and includes this neo-puritan, arse-backwards quote from a pediatrician who has lost sight of where science ends and moralising begins:

"To see a bear ride a bicycle, it is ridicule. You're really just laughing at that bear," said Mel Levine, a renowned pediatrician at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill who has written numerous books about child behavior and the way children learn. "So the question is: What's the message you're giving to kids when you take them to the circus and they laugh at animals? I think to laugh at animals is to devalue them."

The only answer to this is to quote Macaulay:

The puritan hated bear baiting, not because it gave pain to the bear, but because it gave pleasure to the spectators.

Charles Darwin, Call You Service

From the AP:

Padded lampposts are being trialled in a London street to protect inattentive pedestrians.

I would have thought that this is one of those problems that is self-correcting.

Protection from Common Sense

Why did they even bother to take their picture in the first place?

The Price of Newts

Cheshire County Council has been forced by the European Union to move four newts at a cost of £60,000, which comes to £15,000 per newt. Apparently our masters in Brussels are unaware that you can get a spanking-fresh newt from any reputable pet shop for £3 and you could probably get a discount for a full set of four.

Gussie Fink-Nottle was unavailable for comment.

Walkway of the Insane

I don't know where this is, I have no desire to know where this is, and I have no intention of finding out because there is no bloody way I'm going anywhere near it.

Patriotism is Icky

Services no longer required?

In a recent report, the Institute of Education has recommended that British schoolchildren should not be taught patriotism or encouraged to take pride in Britain's history.

Not so much a report as a national suicide pact.

Danger! Ice Cream!

Ice cream cone toppings have been declared the latest risk to life and limb in Britain.

And to think that all my generation had to worry about was a piddly little thing like nuclear annihilation.

A Modest Proposal

An army of young criminals is rampaging across Britain in an endless campaign of destruction, theft, rape and murder. Do you:

1. Build more prisons to house the villains and order the police to drop the PC paperwork and round them up so that the courts can mete out ordinate punishment.
2. Feed the little Visigoths fish oil.

If you chose 2, congratulations! You are now the Home Secretary.

Ploughman's Lunch

The ploughman's lunch is my favourite bit of pub grub that turns a long, sunny Sunday afternoon and a couple of pints of good beer into a little bubble of heaven.

This, however, is an abomination in the eyes of God and man.

Another Nail

Comedienne Jennifer Saunders is in talks to play Doctor Who in a one-off episode; the first time a woman has been cast in the role (not counting parodies).

According to the Sun,

TV bosses are keen to get a woman on board the Tardis for one of those shows.

Translation: We want fans of the show to know that we have no artistic integrity, we hold the character and format and their history in contempt, and that there is no depth to which we will not stoop for cheap, trendy "shock" value wherein we demonstrate nothing more profound than that we cannot differentiate between shock and flat-out bad taste. Oh, and we hate you all, too.

Squirrel Armour

How to tell if you have way too much free time.

Another Nail

Local authorities in Britain are considering banning traditional stiles and gates because they are not "accessible to the disabled."

Next up, all mountains will be levelled and the seas shall be planked over.

Rat's Milk

From the Telegraph:

Drink rats' milk, says Heather Mills

You first.

Haute Couture

Having exhausted all the trivial issues of the day, the BBC weighs in on The Question of Our Times:

They do charity work. They want their contribution to British culture to be taken seriously. But why do people look down their noses at the fashion industry?

At a guess, it might have something to do with the industry being top heavy with a load of narcissistic, talentless frauds who have reduced the making of overpriced frocks to an irredeemable laughing stock.

Penal Priorities

Meanwhile, the Norwegians, in an effort to Save the Planet^TM, have a "green" prison that strives to take drug smugglers, fraudsters, rapists and murderers and turn them into environmentally conscious drug smugglers, fraudsters, rapists and murderers.

And what if one of these drug smugglers, fraudsters, rapists or murderers should flee the reeducation camp prison? Then the governor will leap into action-- and sit by the phone.

We tell all the prisoners that if they escape, they must telephone to let us know they've made it safely to the mainland.

Go ahead and rape, pillage and burn, lads, but don't forget to ring home so we don't fret.

Devils Island has nothing on this place.

Where Patriotism Equals Racism

Sweden may have grown a spine in the latest round of the Cartoon Wars, but old habits die hard. Case in point: A school in Karlshamn has banned students from wearing the Swedish flag on their clothes because it is... wait for it.... "racist."

Since national flags may be perceived by some as xenophobic, eighth grade pupils in Karlshamn have been ordered to wear less inflammatory garb for a photo to be published in the school yearbook.

"Anybody looking at the photo could view it as a political demonstration," principal Pär Blondell from Strandskolan told news agency TT.

Anybody could view is as a political demonstration. Anybody could also view it as a 1924 open-top touring car filled with treacle. Perhaps we should instead confine ourselves to the views of sane people.

With all due respect to Principal Blondell, if he regards the flag of his nation as a racist symbol, I recommend that he emigrate to a country more congenial to his views.

Yes, I Want a Doggie Bag, Dammit!

And while we're on the subject of the mind-bogglingly pointless and expensive, here are eleven more things you don't need and can't afford anyway-- like a $1000 pizza.

Diamond Bikini

Made out of flawless diamonds and costing $30 million, we present the world's most expensive bikini. This example of the collision of the sexual objectification of the female body and the excesses of our the capitalist consumer culture demonstrates that....

Oy! Pay attention and stop getting drool all over the keyboard. It's unhealthy.

Well, That Makes... WHAT?!?

From Newsweek:

In one of history's more absurd acts of totalitarianism, China has banned Buddhist monks in Tibet from reincarnating without government permission. According to a statement issued by the State Administration for Religious Affairs, the law, which goes into effect next month and strictly stipulates the procedures by which one is to reincarnate, is "an important move to institutionalize management of reincarnation."

And I thought needing a building permit for a garden shed was going too far.

Pointing Out the Bleeding Obvious

In a massive waste of funding, scientists have discovered that girls prefer pink.

For the price of a packet of Skittles they could have spent an hour with my five-year old daughter and figured that out in no time.

Sinster Whinging

It's Left-Hander's Day and to celebrate we have this from Lauren Milsom of the Left-Handed Club:

People are finding a voice about it more. Until 20 years ago, people would be quite quiet about being left-handed. It wasn't something you shouted about. We wouldn't be militant about it, but now people are saying 'hold on, this doesn't work for me and I'm not happy about it'.

That sound you hear is Mrs Milsom's rattle being banged on her high-chair tray.

More Money Than Sense

Does your dog hate being left out of the trendy, and incredibly expense, oxygen therapy fad? Do you have a fat bank account and all the common sense of a retarded Belgian hamster? Then get out the plastic, ring up the AirPress company and order the O2 Dog oxygen therapy system.

And don't be put off by thoughts of canine claustrophobia or the fact that O2 Dog looks suspiciously like AirPress's Dog-in-a-Can, Pickle-a-Poodle, and Terrier Time Capsule.

Only If Victor Meldrew is Chairman

From Newsday.com:

Nelson Mandela celebrates his 89th birthday tomorrow in Johannesburg, launching a humanitarian campaign along with former President Jimmy Carter, ex-UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan and other "elders" of the global village. The initiative stems from an idea by British entrepreneur Richard Branson and musician Peter Gabriel to create a world council of elders to tackle issues such as conflict, AIDS and global warming.

"World Council of Elders." How very grand.

If I want a load of dotty old men with no authority sticking their unwelcome noses into my business I'll walk down for a pint at the Dog & Duck, thank you very much.

Rain Man

From the Telegraph:

Pagans have pledged to perform "rain magic" to wash away Homer Simpson, the cartoon character, who was painted next to their famous fertility symbol, the Cerne Abbas giant, yesterday.

I love the "their" that the reporter tucks into the sentence. Apparently, the rule is now that a 21st century lunatic-fringe group can now claim ownership of an ancient monument built millennia ago by a people with whom said lunatic-fringe group have no actual connection by misappropriating a name attached to said ancient people by a third party.

By that logic, I shall now call myself Pharaoh and claim the pyramids for my own.

Secret Squirrel, Call Your Service

Proof that the Mullahs have finally lost it:

According to IRNA, the official Islamic Republic news agency, the national Police chief has implicitly verified the news about the confiscation of a number of squirrels, equipped with eavesdropping devices, on the Iranian borders. He has declined to give any more details, but, reportedly, when asked about the confiscation of 14 spy squirrels, he stated, “I have heard about it, but I do not have precise information”. IRNA adds, “These squirrels were equipped by foreign intelligence services, but were captured two weeks ago by the Police”.

I think the Iranians should go have a little lie down somewhere.

Wonders

There are now seven "new" wonders of the world and a bigger mishmash of tourist traps you're unlikely to find this side of the Colossus of Rhodes.

What a metaphor for our times. The "old" list of the seven wonders were chosen by one man and has endured for centuries. The new one was chosen by a popular poll of allegedly 100 million people and will be lucky if it lasts a fortnight.

Big Brother Want You To Take Shorter Showers

I'd love to see the marketing strategy on this one. It's a device for your shower that shuts off the water after twelve minutes whether you want it to or not. Amazingly, the Australian company that makes these things expects you to install one voluntarily and pay for the privilege.

Aside from the niche miser-and-masochist market, I can't see this one going anywhere, though I have no doubt that the Ministry of Busybodies Intent On Controlling Every Minuscule Aspect Of Everyone's Lives On General Principles will be jumping up and down with glee at the idea of having these Orwellian things required by law.

Bunsen Burner Barman

In the past few years something called "molecular gastronomy" has become all the rage in the same way that nouveau cuisine of a generation ago taught diners that you can drop a packet on a meal and still come away starving.

Basically, molecular gastronomy is cooking combined with chemistry that translates into dishes that are far too over-prepared. When most people hear the word "Frankenfood" they think of genetically modified crops. I think of a chef with a test tube and an Erlenmeyer flask churning out repellent foamed sauces to go on foodstuffs that resemble nothing meant for the human pallet in either taste or texture.

Not content with ruining people's dinner at a premium price, kitchen sadism has spread to the quiet refuge of the lounge, where there is now something that could be called molecular bartending, of which the Times has a frightening example:

“Take the Super Soda, for example. Really it’s a classic Tom Collins,” (says Tony Conigliari of London's Shochu Lounge), putting in front of me a tall glass of viscous liquid with green bubbles suspended in it. Alongside it is a paper perfume swatch. What he has done, he explains, is re-created the notes of the perfume – Soda by Comme des Garçons – by cooking lemon grass, lime and geranium essence in a vacuum with Tanqueray, lemon juice, sugar and gelling agents, and then stirred in frozen grapes and small pearls that he has made by syringing liquid cinnamon and nutmeg into a calcium base. At least I think that’s what he said. The result is like no Tom Collins I’ve tasted. You smell the perfume swatch and take a sip.

Then dash for the gents before the gag reflex becomes overpowering.

We used to laugh at the Romans with their hummingbird tongues dipped in honey, but 21^st century Britain has definitely done them one up in the decadence stakes. I remember when a cocktail was having a splash of tonic and in your gin and bitters. And if you were really on the cutting edge of depravity you might ask the barman if you could have a piece of ice with it.

If no one was looking, of course.

Gingerism

From Out-Law.com:

Gingerism in the workplace could form the basis of formal grievances or constructive dismissal cases, an employment lawyer has warned. The news comes in the wake of one Newcastle family having to move house because of abuse about its members' red hair.

That's it. Civilisation's kaput. If you want me, I'll be waiting for the apes to take over.

Lawfare

As if this war wasn't overlawyered enough, British soldiers in the field must now operate under the scrutiny of the Human Rights Act, which means that if a soldier puts a foot wrong, the Ministry of Defence can get the pants sued off it.

That slapping sound you hear is Jihadis everywhere high-fiving each other.

History Lesson

Lately I’m identifying with the Jews and all the horrible things that happened to them during Vietnam.

Paris Hilton, historian, on lessons learned from her stay in prison.