Dog Bites Man

Today's shock-horror story: Leftists in a tizzy as a polar bear eats a fish!

Um... Yeah.

The Terror of the Terrapins

Never mind the Royal Navy, Londoners are definitely not the men their fathers were. Once able to stoically face the worst that the Luftwaffe could offer, London is now trapped in a vice of fear as crazed terrapins terrorise Hampstead Heath.

I am not very worried about this, as no doubt they will eventually be seen off by hordes of half-gone sloths followed by wave upon wave of ninja snails, but at least Britain is not as bad off as Argentina, where a zookeeper was savaged to death by an anteater. Presumably the animal's claws were involved, otherwise it must have been the most brutal licking in history.

Green & Merciless

A polar bear cub at the Berlin zoo was rejected by its mother. A keeper took the forsaken cub home, nurtured it, let it sleep by him, bottle fed it, and even played the guitar for it. The cub has flourished and has been taken to the hearts of the people of Berlin.

So, naturally, animal rights activists say, "kill it."